Where Are My Soy Boobies?

May 27, 2011

I was just interrupted for the fourth time in less than five minutes spent at the dinner table. This time it was for milk.


I want SOY milk, Mommy.

Yes, I know.

Not cow’s milk.

Yes, I know. We don’t drink cow’s milk.

I don’t like cow’s milk, Mommy.

That’s okay. I don’t either, and I didn’t as a little girl, so we don’t drink it. But lots of other people like it, so they do.

Did you know soy milk comes from plants?

And cow’s milk comes from cow boobies!


Would you like to suck on a cow booby?

Pfft! Noooo!!!

Me, neither. That’s why we don’t drink cow’s milk. Cow boobies are for baby cows.


When I was a kid, my best friend had the coolest house ever with a pinball machine, Atari, and lots of treats in the freezer. I loved to spend the night over there because we had so much fun. Except that they would MAKE me drink an entire glass of COWS MILK before I could have any dessert. I tried not to gag every time.

In college, I had an acquaintance who referred to cow’s milk as “cow pus.” I’ll never forget it.

I went almost ten years without a bowl of cereal. I got really tired of toast. So I tried Rice Dream, and it was good.


When I met Scott, he was down with the Rice Dream but occasionally expressed nostalgia for “milk.” Then I brought home some soy milk. It was damn good. Bye bye watery rice, hello soy creaminess. Now Scott’s been on it so long, he never talks about “milk” anymore. Once, I had some in the fridge because I had made a cake. He tried it in his cereal “to use it up” and said it made him feel sick.  I also dig almond milk, but I can’t seem to get the boys to drink it.  So soy it is.


Is my son going to get cancer and grow soy boobies?

Um, no.  Asian cultures consume large amounts of soy on a daily basis and have lower rates of certain cancers AND man boobs.  I’ve been ingesting soy every day for over a decade, and I’m still in my training bras.  Plus, all of the “soy has estrogens in it” claims are misleading- soy contains a compound that is like a pre-estrogen that cannot even be metabolized.  Which is why women are still complaining about their hot flashes.

Reading this article made me want go back to buying soy cheese.  And soy-ogurt, soy-rizo, soy-ronis, soy-dogs…  Or maybe not.


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12 Responses to Where Are My Soy Boobies?

  1. Marilyn on May 29, 2011 at 7:28 am

    Ewww…. Milk. Gross.
    I call it cow pus too.
    But my family still drinks it no matter how hard I try to dissuade them 🙁


  2. StephanieinSuburbia on May 29, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    I haven’t tried to make the jump to soy milk. I honestly don’t get enough milk myself, I take a Vitamin D supplement. But I adore cheese. I’m just not sure I could give it up. I missed that and wine the most when I was pregnant.


    thesweet Reply:

    I adore cheese, too. I can take down some jack fo sho. There’s just something about milk itself that really grosses me out, regardless of whether it may/may not be healthy for me.


  3. Alex@LateEnough on May 30, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    We used to do only Lactaid milk so I didn’t clear the room with farts.
    I don’t like the taste of soy milk.
    My kids like organic cow boobies, which is fine by me.


    thesweet Reply:

    See, that’s what I’m talkin’ about. There needn’t be that much gas involved.


  4. christy davis on May 31, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Haha!! I loved the convo with Hayden…so cute! Haven’t liked milk since I was little, but I buy it for cakes and my hubs.

    BTW, I don’t think most Asians like dairy products, our food is pretty much dairy free. I don’t know if you’ve heard of this claim (don’t know if it’s true or not)–Asians have lower risks of cancer due to lack of cow’s milk products.

    Thanks for sharing!


    thesweet Reply:

    Exactly. Yay soy. Boo cow pus.


  5. cbeck on June 1, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Have to say that article was *a bit* disturbing. Also? I have never considered sucking on cow boobies. I agree with your son entirely on that one.

    But no cheese?… I love cheese. Especially on pizza. Even knowing that it is basically just moldy, congealed fluid from cow boobs… I just can’t see giving that up.


    thesweet Reply:

    I know, because I love me some cheese. I don’t think I will ever be able to say goodbye to it. made mac n’ cheese from scratch tonight. Used an obscene amount of cheese, but I did sub with almond milk.


  6. […] rolling out play-do and attending pee wee sports events and writing about really serious stuff like milk and […]

  7. A Six Word Memoir | The Sweetest on June 2, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    […] I can’t seem to write about anything other than my digestive issues, with posts featuring cow teats and farting, I need to start taking hints from better […]

  8. Andrea on June 4, 2011 at 3:52 am

    My daughter was allergic to milk as an infant . . . which meant I couldn’t drink it either. So we switched to soy. And when I stopped breastfeeding, I realized I didn’t want to go back to cow’s milk. It was soy from then on for me! Now I’m on the almond milk kick though. Yummy. 🙂

    And cow pus? Yep, that’s gonna stay with me a while.


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