A Door Has Closed, But It Closed Softly.

January 12, 2012

Those of you who have been with me for awhile know about the loss I’ve experienced (if not, you can read about it here and here). For almost two years we have tried to have a second child.  I have been pregnant three times and had three miscarriages, the latest one just this week.

All around me people are having babies.  Second and third babies.  People are always asking me if we are going to have another one, and until now I didn’t have an answer.

My heart has desired another child.  Mostly so that Hayden could have a sibling, but also because I have been influenced by others’ expectations.  That having multiple children is just what parents do.

But when we started trying for a second, I did so with reservation.  My heart wanted it, but my mind didn’t.

Earlier this week, someone who knew nothing of my situation initiated a conversation about trust.  Not trust in others, but trust in my inner voice.  Trusting that I know what is right for myself, and not being influenced by the world around me.

Since Hayden was born my inner voice has said I am happy with one, and now I am finally listening.

I am almost thirty-nine years old, and while many women are able to have children into their forties, clearly I am not.  At least, not without medical intervention.  And that is not a route I want to pursue.  I believe that if I was meant to have another child it would have happened two years ago.  I would not have felt any doubt.

Now, when someone asks me if we are going to have another child, I have an answer.

We are happy with one.

We are a family.  A happy, blessed family of three.



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25 Responses to A Door Has Closed, But It Closed Softly.

  1. mrs. d on January 12, 2012 at 11:55 am

    I’m sorry for your losses.
    You are the only one who knows what is best for you and your family. One is a good number. xo


  2. Brooke @ mommalytics on January 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    First, I am so sorry for your losses. It sounds like you are at peace with your decision, and for that I am very glad.

    I had a lot of angst about whether having a second child was right for our family as well, especially because my health made the conversation not even up for discussion for so long even if it’s what I truly wanted. And after losses, it’s even harder to trust the process because it feels like the decision is out of your control. Feeling empowered over that decision I think is important, and by making the choice yourself it sounds like you are reclaiming a bit of that control.


  3. Erin on January 12, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Darling, I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. But I’m glad you’re at peace with your decision.


  4. Ginger on January 12, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, so, SO sorry.

    But I’m glad you’re listening to your inner voice, and I’m glad you’re at peace with your (wonderful, perfect, lovely) family of 3.


  5. Abby on January 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Oh my gosh. I am so, so sorry for your loss. There’s nothing I can say that won’t sound trite except I grew up an only child–a family of three–but that doesn’t mean I didn’t grow up with a huge extended family, friends and people around me that made me feel loved.

    I am so sorry.


  6. Elly Lou on January 12, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    I love you. That is all.


  7. Anne at Always Half Full on January 12, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    I’m glad you are finding peace. What a wonderful feeling – even though it usually comes after much pain. Enjoy your family of 3!


  8. Jules on January 12, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Thinking of you, my friend.


  9. TILTE on January 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    That petite person with the brown bob haircut that I met in the lobby at BlogHer is a wonderful person. Fun, friendly, super outgoing. I know Hayden must love every second he gets with you.


    thesweet Reply:

    I can’t even being to tell you how good you just made me feel. Thank you.


  10. Joanie on January 12, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    A happy blessed family of 3. Yes! Beautiful!
    Love you.


  11. Nancy on January 12, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I have never been through that loss for myself but I know when our daughter did, it was so deep and
    so sorrowful. I am thankful that you have come to a place of peace about your wonderful family of 3. We were a family of 3 and it was just fine. I talked with a lot of people and got all the answers and I learned that everyone wanted something else at some point in their childhood. Oldest wanted to be youngest, those with brothers wanted sisters, those with did not want. The only person I talked with who was always happy was an only child!!! My best friend growing up was an only and she is and has always been one of the most unselfish and caring people I know (scuttled that myth!!) There is no ANSWER but I think you have found one that is exactly right for you! I will tell you that at age 8 our daughter chose a book for the school library at at their bookfair and it is inscribed “In honor of her sister Mary” —– Mary being her favorite doll.
    Hayden is so wonderful and you enjoy him so very much. What a great
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. We will be with your Mom and Dad this weekend.
    Blessings to the sweetest 3, Nancy


  12. Kir on January 13, 2012 at 8:48 am

    oh my sweet friend. I am so sorry, my heart is aching for your loss.

    but I think that listening to your heart is a good thing, to that gut feeling you get when you know the answer but don’t want to voice it. I am glad you are giving that feeling a voice.

    as always, I am thinking of you and holding you in my heart. Your family of three is absolutely gorgeous…and you are one of my favorite people I know that your voice is right and true.



    thesweet Reply:

    Thanks, friend.


  13. Christy D on January 13, 2012 at 9:03 am

    You are blessed! And what a beautiful family of three you are!! Much love from Columbia, SC!!


  14. Alex@LateEnough on January 13, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Trusting ourselves is so hard and so crucial to finding peace. May you keep the peace you have found through any lingering doubts.



  15. K on January 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Alex at Late Enough directed me here, and I feel happy or honored or humbled (not sure of the exact words…) to have read this.

    Thank you for sharing.


  16. Mandy on January 13, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    One is a perfect number. The alpha and omega of numbers. Look how perfect it is in its roundness, in its egg-life self-sufficiency (to borrow from The Great Gatsby). I am sorry for the journey and for the losses along the way, but I’m happy for you that you finally found your way. As my sister has always said, “One and done.” Her darling One is 20 years old and a good egg. A perfect egg.

    Peace to you.


    thesweet Reply:

    Thanks, It has been rough, but I am finally starting to be okay.


  17. Ms. G on January 13, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    I’m happy you’ve been blessed now with peace-and your perfectly beautiful family of three : )


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  20. Chunky Mama on January 16, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Oh C, I am behind on the news and feeling awful that I didn’t respond sooner. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been through a very early miscarriage, and I know how difficult it is for your mind, body, and spirit. I am sending you SO MANY HUGS right now.
    Like others have said here, only you can know what’s right for you & your family. Other people’s expectations (or hopes) are irrelevent. Do whatever you need to do to BE HAPPY.


  21. Loreni on January 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Carrie, so sorry for what you’ve been going through but so happy that you are finding the strength to listen to your inner voice and trust yourself. It is so hard to trust ourselves! But only you know what’s best for you….and your beautiful family.

    Sending you lots of love.


  22. Leigh Ann on January 19, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    Carrie, I’m so sorry for your losses. People mean well, but don’t really think when they adk someone about children. I’m glad you’re happy and at peace.


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