A Door Has Closed, But It Closed Softly.
Those of you who have been with me for awhile know about the loss I’ve experienced (if not, you can read about it here and here). For almost two years we have tried to have a second child. I have been pregnant three times and had three miscarriages, the latest one just this week.
All around me people are having babies. Second and third babies. People are always asking me if we are going to have another one, and until now I didn’t have an answer.
My heart has desired another child. Mostly so that Hayden could have a sibling, but also because I have been influenced by others’ expectations. That having multiple children is just what parents do.
But when we started trying for a second, I did so with reservation. My heart wanted it, but my mind didn’t.
Earlier this week, someone who knew nothing of my situation initiated a conversation about trust. Not trust in others, but trust in my inner voice. Trusting that I know what is right for myself, and not being influenced by the world around me.
Since Hayden was born my inner voice has said I am happy with one, and now I am finally listening.
I am almost thirty-nine years old, and while many women are able to have children into their forties, clearly I am not. At least, not without medical intervention. And that is not a route I want to pursue. I believe that if I was meant to have another child it would have happened two years ago. I would not have felt any doubt.
Now, when someone asks me if we are going to have another child, I have an answer.
We are happy with one.
We are a family. A happy, blessed family of three.